homeschooling

I've given it quite a bit of prayer and thought lately, and I think the boys will be enrolled in public school in January. I had a hope that we'd finish out this year and they might enroll in the fall if I couldn't find the right new balance -- but it's become too much of a struggle.

I feel guilty about this decision. I feel like I SHOULD be able to do it all, and I feel like a failure that I can't. I also feel guilty because it wouldn't be a problem keeping C home and homeschool him -- it's really N who is most difficult. I don't think I can send N, however, and keep Ç home because then it seems like a punishment to N.

It seems like a punishment to them, anyway, because it's something I've threatened in the past when they've been out of control. I'm trying to spin it that it is NOT a punishment, just an evolution of our family's needs.

The fact of the matter is, they're not as helpful as they could be, and nothing I've been trying/doing is working (or maybe not working fast enough). N fights his schoolwork almost daily. I am constantly breaking up fights and trying to redirect them. I have deadlines that I have to meet. I have opportunities to train and finding child care for the 3 of them isn't as easy as finding child care for just L. I need to keep looking for more opportunities because it's necessary that I contribute financially to our family right now.

We can't afford to send them to a parochial school, so we have the local public school or a charter school to choose from. Since my intention is to make my life easier (and, yes, I feel guilty about that, too) I think we'll put them in the public school that offers a bus from our neighborhood. If we chose a charter school, we'd have to drop off / pick up. If we choose the public school, they can take a bus to the Boys & Girls Club after school when necessary.

From what I understand, it's not a bad school. I'll go over in the near future and meet the principal and their teachers. I have to contact the district and withdraw my homeschooling affidavits. The kid will likely need to be tested before they can enter the school system.

I just can't do it all right now. I want to, but I can't. And I have to admit that and go from here.

I'm also going to miss the homeschooling community. I know as soon as I stop homeschooling, about half the support system I have currently will disappear. I understand -- I won't lose those friends where I've built more of a friendship, but I'll lose the larger community of homeschoolers that I appreciate so much. And that makes me sad.

I've always said we'd take it year by year and make the decision that was best for our family. So, why is it so hard?