loss

My MIL died almost 3 weeks to the day after her diagnosis with liver and bone cancer. When people ruminate about what they would do if given X amount of time to live, I think most people assume they would be able to continue on as healthy as they are when asked the question. That isn't necessarily possible -- my MIL was diagnosed and then bedridden within days. Her health deteriorated quickly and while she had intentions of writing out stories and even sharing them orally -- she wasn't able to do much of that before her final day.

In the last 2 weeks, 2 mothers in my local circle (friends of IRL friends) have died suddenly. Both mothers were younger than I am. One died instantly of a pulmonary embolism -- her husband came home and their 3yo said "Mommy stopped talking to me!" She was pregnant (that child died with her) and also had an 18mo who won't remember her mother.

Another mom was t-boned in her Suburban by a large truck. She is survived by her husband and 5 children. She initially survived the accident, but died from severe injuries after a few days.

While I know that people die every day, these deaths have been close to me. They have forced me to look at my mortality and attempt to embrace the thought of truly living each day to the fullest.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but I realize that if I died tomorrow, would my children know a tenth of what I thought of them and how much I loved them? Of course, my family would always tell them I loved them -- but I want them to know from me. I wrote brief letters to my 3, but I need to write more. I want N to know how much I appreciate his energy and his enthusiasm. I want C to know how much I appreciate his determination and his passion. I want L to know the details of her birth so she can have that information when she (God Willing) has her own children some day. I want N to remember how much he loved camouflage, construction trucks and non-fiction books. I want C to remember how much he loved reading, cartoons and snuggling. I want L to know how much her brothers doted on her as an infant.

There is so much to share, and who knows how much time to do it in. I can't put it off. I hope to be here to give my children these letters in the future, but in case I'm not -- I want there to be letters for them. I will write them. I will not let them wonder as adults what they were like as children. I will not let them ever doubt the immense love I have for them. I will not.