not enough

In July, a local, Catholic homeschooling family organized and put on a Catholic homeschooling conference. It was fairly small, but well-attended and a great resource. I volunteered to man a table and got free shipping and saw some great catalogs. Soon after the conference, the mom emailed our local group and said she couldn't commit to another year, but would share all her info with anyone interested.

When I first read her email, I thought "OH! I want to do that!" but sat on it since L was still so tiny and I was a bit overwhelmed. A month or so ago, I emailed her and asked if anyone had come forward to take it over and she replied they hadn't. I expressed interest in taking it over, and she was excited! We emailed a bit back & forth, and earlier this week she emailed me with many more details. One thing that jumped out at me was her statement that she hadn't had time for homeschooling for 6-8 months while planning it.

Whoops! I started thinking long and hard about what this conference would entail, and had to realize that I shouldn't take it on. Slacking off on homeschooling just cannot be an option for our family -- and if I wasn't homeschooling, then I shouldn't be organizing a homeschooling conference!

I called her today and told her that I couldn't take it over. She was extremely understanding, but I felt bad about the whole situation. I had been excited about the prospect of actually doing something like this, but had to face the reality that it was too much to take on by myself.

I feel almost useless these days. Of course, I'm a mom and a wife and all that -- but it feels like I'm not doing anything worthwhile to make a difference. I need to find something (other than raising my kids -- which I KNOW is important and worthwhile, etc.) but I need to find something that is just for me, perhaps. Or just about me might be a better way to phrase it. This conference would have given me more of a purpose, but at this point the cost would have been too great.

I have more to say about the subject, but L is fussing and wants her mama.