not sure what to post

I'm in a funny space at the moment and so haven't been blogging. Truth to tell, I haven't been doing much of ANYTHING at all lately. I've been wracked with nausea for about 20 hours a day, and have been extremely short of breath. Thanks to google (and my doctor) I understand that shortness of breath is a normal early pregnancy symptom . . . but it's not one I've experienced before. I remember being short of breath LATE in my pregnancies before, but never early.

I tell myself that maybe all these hormones raging through me means that this baby is a girl -- but I know that each pregnancy is different, regardless of the baby's sex. Truth be told, another boy would be simpler in many ways. Not that I'd mind a girl. I really don't have a preference - although my boys have both expressed their desire to have a sister. They tell me that they already HAVE a brother! LOL

I am also telling myself that all these symptoms are good signs that we're looking at a successful pregnancy, but I'm scared and nervous. Yes, I know that worrying doesn't change a thing! Intellectually I know a lot of things. But, when I started having a panic attack the other day while driving on the freeway -- I knew that my body isn't paying any freakin' attention to my intellect. I'm really not looking forward to going through panic attacks again . . .

I have another ultrasound on Thursday. I should be 8 weeks at that point, and we should see a heartbeat, and lots of growth since 3 weeks ago. I'm hoping that we see all that I hope on Thursday, and I can calm down a bit. But . . . I saw a heartbeat last pregnancy, too . . . and then the baby died over a week later.

I don't want to spend this pregnancy in fear. I am trying to pray and ask for peace. I am trying to let go of my worries, and control the things I can control. I am trying. I am trying. I am trying.